I was listening to a Dave Allen skit from 1993, and he briefly mentioned a list of the most stressful things on a person, and the number one item was ‘death of a spouse.’ then there was divorce, and some other things. Wherever he got his list, it did not include serious health scare of a spouse. That one was not there at all. I would like to submit it for addition to the list to whomever wrote it. A spouse does not have to actually pass to scare holy hell out of a person. Just act like she may head towards the bean can, and a guy can really shit himself. My mom dies in 2016, and man, that hurt. This is the closest I have come since to feeling like that. Right now, things are slowly on the up and up. It has been a long road to recovery, but we are slowly getting there. On the other hand, it can reoccur, and it can require further correction.
There is a great Spirit in the Sky somewhere in Intermountain Heath that is making decisions on treatment, and what to do. The decisions are expensive and stressful, and we have a pile of bills mounting up that is more than we can think of paying on our own at this point. Decisions are based on things like scans, and blood panels, and so forth. They are made without face-to-face consultation and feel very impersonal. It is like a fleet manager telling some chap in the shop that the truck needs a transmission overhaul. He’s never personally seen the truck. He just looks at driver’s reports and makes the decision. The truck gets the service, and that’s that. Not that trucks feel anything about it, but that’s kind of the point. People do. And in this case, they also feel as though everything they own is being drained away from them to much wealthier people while they consider where to put that old travel trailer to live out their lives in.
Then there is the issue of my social and family situation. I live far away from anybody I really give a toss about, and anyone I ever felt gave a toss about me. So that plays into this. Life has been long, and not all of these people have even met my wife, even though we have been married for more than twenty years. But here I am going through hell, and I hear the words, and the lack of words that I get. That translated into caring, or lack of it. And that hurts. I have felt so alone this last month, and so scared. I have had just about nobody check up on me. There have been I think, four or five notable exceptions, and those people are so near to my heart for simply asking something like, “how are you holding up?” Or” how are things going?” They are simple statements. But just ask, and pretend to care, and you can win a person’s heart. Leave a fella in the rough without simply doing that kind of little gesture, and he notices.
It’s not nosey to ask. It is just courteous and caring to want to know things are going okay. But when people say the world has changed, I think this might be kind of a part of it. Folks don’t even know how to extend this kind of common courtesy. I know that customer service has gone to the dogs, and that everything seems to be a scam, and now I know for sure that people seem to not care about anything outside of their tiny little circles or things that are not on their Social Media feeds. But this is fucking ridiculous! It’s not like I am asking for visits and flowers to be sent and so on. Just a word or two, “how are you guys doing?” And the patience to hear a short description. It’s not much to show you care.
So, here we are, moving forward. It is a very slow, and painful process. I don’t want to belabor that point too much, though you probably stopped reading way up the page when you realized there was emotion in this post. That’s been my experience, anyhow. Cynical. I know. But it is a part of the American medical system that when a person risks losing their life, they also get to lose damn near everything else instead. And the only way out of it all is to die. The only thing left is to hope the people who care for you will do so anyway, rather than leaving you on the step. And to that end, so far, I cannot fault the people who have been helping us, at all. They have tarried on. And we will no doubt do everything we can to repay them. I have no idea how just yet, but every penny I can give voluntarily will be a thank you. It’s when we get to legal extraction and force that my gratitude will become bitter. But in the meant time, while things are going on as if from outer space, things are improving for my Missus. And that sure matter a lot to me!
I could now go on to belabor the point that She is my everything. But from Shakespeare to Steele, I think it has been told. There are shelves of books dedicated to how two people can feel about each other. She is my all-of-that. I remember when she used to travel out of town for work. It stressed me out. I have never worried once about her heart straying. I have never felt she might get on a flight and not return. I have never felt like there was anything more natural than being with her, even if that is her in the next room doing her own thing. Just being there is like just having my heart beating inside me. I don’t get angry about all the noise of my heart pounding inside me. It is just a natural thing. I think I would be nuts without it. That’s how it is with her. I get frustrated with her craft messes and I don’t care for the constant noise of the TV running. But when I know it is her responsible for it, then fine, whatever. Not having it all is not a viable alternative. Move on. There are more important things to worry about, like, “honey, would you like a cup of tea?” Far more suitable thing to put my mind to.
So here are my points of stress right now. The most important being the health of she who is most important to me, and the feeling that more people should care. I shouldn’t have to shout it. Some of the most important news comes on a whisper, and on a breath that can barely speak. And some of the most important words are the ones of encouragement that are spoken in return. It doesn’t have to be on CNN or MSNBC to be important. It doesn’t have to be on Facebook or X-Twitter to be worthy of a like or a comment or a share.
Come Monday I plan to be on the hunt for a job or two. I hope for a situation that will give me time to develop my own business and continue to help Missus with hers. Yes, the horse is out of the gate, and now I have to chase it down. But I need something that will produce an income. So here I go. I have a couple of things I am looking into right now. One is basic, and gives me time in the day, if I can get it. The other is contract and will come up when I am notified. But it is photography work, and that is opportunity. I need that. I need it if for nothing else, but to be doing something in the business. Monday is my day to stop tapping and to start knocking firmly on doors.