As the end of the year approaches, we are no between the Solstice and the end of the calendar year, when it is time to wrap things up and start out fresh for the next year. When I was a kid, I was so literal about the dates of the start of Winter, and the end of the calendar year, that I did no really see the association. Yes, I guess I was just that particular. Not the case this year. And for me to really grasp it, I had to move to the country.
One of the key observations I have made this year about country life is that life itself feels closer than it ever has before. I lost two grandfathers this year, the neighbors lost a 12 year old boy, and there have been a few older neighbors who have gone as well. I also gained a nephew this year! It has been a busy year in this way. We have had chickens die, and the goat we gave away also died, and it was Jordan and I who went over to load the things onto a truck for the girls who had taken him. We had a llama born on Thanksgiving Day too! We are also finishing a cow, ready to be butchered at the start of the new year. These events have made me feel closer to life, more a part of living, and more aware of the full circle life comes.
Last night an old friend from my college days rather abruptly ended our friendship on Facebook, which was the only way we were keeping in touch anyhow. He was a part of a group I hung out with, but not what I would consider a good friend. He accused me of not being respectful to others by what I post on my Facebook Timeline, calling my posts of the last 60 days anti-religious. Perhaps this is so. I could not say for sure as I have never really come out publicly as an Atheist, and have only recently even really hinted at it in what I post. So, he could be right in the sense that I have posted in the last 60 days. But most of what I post has always been science based, and fact based. Meanwhile, he never gave the slightest consideration of the fact that I am bombarded all the time with religious propaganda from friends who are still actively involved in their religion. So, I get told I should respect others, and in that light it amounts to “shut up! You are not allowed an opinion if it differs from mine.” Sadly, I am not at an age where I care to bow down for such. Why would I forfeit my right to express my views to a Gestapo that publicizes their views at will, and with attitude? My friend cut me off before ever really even allowing me to express my view, in fact, after only giving me time to comply with his demand to shut up, or not. Again, I am at an age where I just don’t care. A friend would never have done that. So it is not a loss.
Old things end, and new ones begin. This should never be frightening. It can be difficult. But the timeline of our lives will host many changes that are unstoppable, and interwoven with so many other timelines, from tiny ones, to the lifecycle of our local star. Of course, as a new year begins, I have long made it a habit to consider the meaning of it all, and my own happiness. I set goals, usually. I consider time, and where I am at in life. I make sure I am happy with how I am progressing on my timeline, and do my best to take responsibility for it. New things will become old things, and it will all start again.
Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. Obviously I hold no religious significance to it, or the day that follows. But tomorrow is when our family begins a three day celebration of being together. We begin with Chinese food in the evening. Then there will be a small gift exchange. Christmas Day brings more gifts and an all day buffet. Then comes a full cooked English Meal on Boxing Day, the day after Christmas. We’ll spend all the time together that we can, all of us, closing out our years, and preparing to open the new one a week after Christmas. It’s a good time to remember the old and to plan for the new.
So here I sit, at 43, still trying to figure out life. I think that I know well enough who I am to be quite happy with myself. Too many years have gone by where I was not. I accept who I am, which is probably the most important part of it. I feel capable of defending my position on my thought and beliefs, and confident enough in them not to have to defend them. That is a nice place to be. I know that the world does not work in one way, and thus fulfill everyone in it. Most of what happens is humans contributing to chaos, and looking for patterns to which they can attach meaning, and assign an understanding that is mental or spiritual or whatever else. I have experienced enough of the patterns of life to have a degree of confidence in them, and how things will likely go tomorrow, and next week, and so on. I think that as much as anything, that is what makes this portion of life the part often said to be where life begins.
As a male, I have noticed something. When I was a teenager, I thought of sex seemingly all the time. At this age, those thoughts are being supplanted slowly with thoughts of mortality and death, the bits that make one to realize that it really is looming, and I am actually pretty fortunate to be here still, given the many I have known who have gone. I wonder if in my 60’s or 70’s I will think of death as often as I did think of sex as a teen? When I was a teen it was all about the act of creating life, and as I get older it becomes all about just clinging to life? Cue the midlife crisis and tell myself it is time to get to living!
Luckily these are not consuming thoughts for me, but rather minor annoyances in the back of my mind. I am consumed by my wife and kids, and the farm, and the animals on the farm. I am consumed about making the right next step, getting more livestock, and treating it properly so that I can raise healthy animals which will provide for our needs. I am consumed by the smile of my youngest daughter.
And it is with that blue eyed smile that I wish to leave this collection of thoughts for the night before Christmas Eve. Happy Saturnalia, or really, whatever Holiday you observe.
Kelsey J Bacon