I have been locked in a box for some time now. The living room is a box. The home school schedule is a box. The frame of the photo is a box. Nations, whether they be England or America, are boxes. To fill out a VISA application, I have to fill in each of the boxes. There are the boxes into which I must deposit money, called Banks. There are the boxes on the computer screen called browser windows, which are boxes. There is the lunch box, the mail box, the toy box, the box on which people watch the news. There are so many boxes, and so many more… This is a phase I go through. I want to smash all of the boxes in my life. Today is a definite box smashing day.
I would love to smash boxes today. Today I would love to get out and go and make things happen and life happen. Nothing much ever seems to happen when I am locked into boxes.
I have not lifted the camera on weeks. I don’t feel its call to me right now, so I needed a break from it. There is something amiss about it and I cannot figure out what it is. There is nothing wrong with the camera. the problem is with the art, my view, how I am seeing things. I think I have needed the time away from it. This last month I have had to buy a personal computer that I can use to travel around with, write from, load pictures to when the card on the camera fills up. I am planning to travel. I NEED to travel. But I need to have a few good lenses too, but I cannot afford them. So I was not all that happy about having to buy a computer. I got a netbook in the end so I would not begrudge the cost so much, and for extra portability. It is great so far, and does more than I expected it to. I will upgrade the RAM soon too, allowing it to run even a little smoother than it already does. But it has otherwise been a delay in saving for and buying the lenses I need to get for the sake of business, and for art. I am sat here typing about on it now.
If there is one thing I need to do, it is create! I need to make something, and not be lazy about getting started or finished on whatever it is I make. I layered onto a paper machet mobile I am making for my daughter this morning. It is the sun, some planets, and a star and the moon. It is mostly an experiment on my part to see how do at this. But as I elected to make something for Kiry, want to do it well too.
I could write too. I never seem to be able to come up with the dialogue to make it happen though. I feel like there is not going to be enough in my mind to finish what I start.
It feels good to let this out. I need this!
One thing that could help to overcome this strangeness, this feeling, would be to get out of England. I love England, don’t get me wrong. It is a wonderful place to visit, though I am not so sure how much I would want to live here, unless I had the money for a country cottage with a nice garden and a peaceful village very close by. It would be lovely to not have anyone close by to talk to. Then, when I went months without talking to anybody, I would have a good reason not to. But being in a city, this concept is a bit hard. I have people living all around me, and very few I ever talk to.
It’s a kind of sadness, a kind of madness, and a kind of gladness.
I follow some other photographers. There are several out there that I really admire. I really want to be as good as they are. I need to develop the skills. I need to do the things that I feel are really worth doing. These things are photography, gardening, making things for our home. I need to learn to find and refinish furniture. I need to learn how to make what I need, rather than relying on others. I need to get on with the resolutions set for the New Year..!!