I left a day marker at the end of last month and never explained it. Now is the time to. There is a lot to say about it, but I am at the moment busy living life, and enjoying what happened as fully as I can as each day goes by, with no idea how the future of it is going to go, or what it leads to. The moment is now, and all I can do is do what is right.
Around the year 2000, I was forced away from my child with my first wife. It was all a very unfortunate circumstance that I wanted to go a much different way than it did, but it was not to be. I am not going to go into all that. The reasons are not worth rehashing, and the person is not worth the Blog space.
But when I had to go, I did so to keep our child from the middle of a very damaging situation that would have caused an unknowable amount of harm to her. I was not willing to put her in the middle and have her thinking everything that was wrong was her, and not the stupid bickering of her parents. I felt like my best move was to just be gone, rather than having all that be a part of her life and let the chips fall where they may. Everything would sort in the wash.
Well, the laundry is on the line.
She made contact on the day I put the Day Marker in. We have spoken via messenger, and video chat, which I hope to do again soon. I need to line up a time with our schedules, and I would seriously like a time when I am not absolutely exhausted, but it is beginning to look like I may have to give up on that hope.
So, about her.
She is called Autumn. She is a beautiful and intelligent person who is so frighteningly similar to me in so many ways that the genes are undeniable. The looks are there, the way we speak, what we think about, and how we think are all there. I detect the same rational mind, too. I will admit, she seems to retain information better than I do, and she has amassed knowledge well, to the point I am a little intimidated by her. I mean, I had to go to college to come up with and espouse opinions and she has garnered hers on her own, and can articulate them well, and with passion.
Learning about her past has been a bit devastating. I hoped her upbringing would have been better. When I left the situation, I put trust in the fact that her mother would keep her safe. I think in many ways, her mother was the danger. I suspect Autumn became a proxy for how her mother felt about me. If she wanted to hurt me, she has. But to use a child to do that is absolutely unforgivable. To lie so much to the child is to have painted herself into an inescapable corner, and I would take pity on anyone else.
But Autumn has found her own inner strength! Autumn has found her own direction! Autumn has grown to be her own woman! Autumn has done what I had hoped she would do all those years ago and found her own way to higher ground. Autumn has not become the better person. She always was the better person. She always was everything I hoped she would be. I get to celebrate that now!
I think of her every day. I think of all of my kids every day. And for a change, I don’t have to answer that I have kids in a confusing way. I simply have five. All of them are in my life. I am so damned proud of every one of them. I love every one of them for the men and women they are or are still becoming. I love the happiness and joy they all have in them. I love the way they all fight for a better day. I love the outward person they each project, and the private person they each hide inside. Learning about Autumn is like having an archeological record of a Roman tiled piece that is being excavated and confirmed to be even more beautiful than the description in the writing.
So, it is exciting times. It is exciting times interlaced with the mundane of trying to earn a living. The sad reality is that we both have responsibilities and work to keep them. There is also the matter of making sure she has full confidence in the situation, and well, in me, before we can meet up in person. Reality is that her shelf has collapsed. She had been taught so much about me when she was a child, and I hope she is finding out that none of that is true. I was not there to know what she was taught. She has to distinguish between what she was told, and what is real. I cannot fight that in any way. I am not responsible for it. What I can do is be genuine, and be me, and let trust build itself. That is my responsibility to Autumn now.
So, the Day Marker is to put an end to a very dark chapter of my life. It, and this post are to say we are together again, and can move on to a better future, and one especially where we can love and support each other.
So, right now I feel like I am the one holding the pot o’ gold! I never wanted it to be this way. It was always supposed to be shared between me and my ex. I am sad it never was. But that was not my choice. I don’t know how she can reclaim her share. It seems to me that she squandered it. She could have done better. She should have for our child. I am not the greedy bastard she painted me to be, which is why this hurts me. She should be able to be a part of our daughter’s life, too. But it seems she is the one that has taken that from our daughter, herself, and everyone. How very stupid!
So, about that pot of gold! It is not my job to spend it. It is my job to help it to increase for Autumn to spend as she pleases! It is her life, after all! And I want that to be the best life she can have and the life she wants to have! You know, play the cards we are dealt, and all that. Let’s do this together!
I want to learn everything about you Autumn. I want to make the future so much better than the past. I want to share the rest of my life being a part of yours. I don’t want that emptiness of the past to cloud who you are. I have always wanted what’s best for you. I know it has not seemed that way, but in our conversations, I think you know absolutely why I could not let you know that for myself. Trying to would have only made me come across as the crazy person from the perspective you were taught. I hope you are learning that now, and you know it for the rest of your life.
These are exciting times! And as we move forward, know this. I am not a perfect person. I know you are not. But I am here for you. Always.
As for you, Autumn, I am charmed by your thoughtfulness and expression. I am so glad you have made choices in life. Serious ones. And that you have above all, followed who you are, and let no person or institution dictate otherwise. Hell, you are one of the few people in this world who actually even discovered for themselves who they really are. Such a rare thing is to be admired. So many blindly follow “norms” and traditions, which is only peer pressure from the dead. I admire all of that about you. You carry on with intelligence and wit. You express real concern about things that matter. You are open, despite your wall like the one we all have built around us. (Not what we have built, but others have, as you know.) I find you very likeable. I have really enjoyed these last few days and discovering all of this about you. I look forward to finding our pace and learning more.
And finally, before I close, thanks so much for reaching out. You never had to. It means the world to me that you did. I feel so lucky to be getting more than I ever dreamed of and hoped for.